4 years ago this month I found out I was pregnant for the first time, and by the New Year my life as I knew it was completely wrecked. For the next 3.5 years I would not be able to see a baby, hear a pregnancy announcement, or drive past Babies R Us without feeling a stabbing in my heart. I was no longer a happy-go-lucky newlywed. I was the mother of an angel (then two, then three), and my days had a dark cloud called "grief" floating over them.
Sitting here, on the other side, I can't say it is all better now. Don't get me wrong, I am in LOVE with our son, and is an incredible blessing, beyond all words. But, his birth does not erase my losses.
I still think of the "would have beens", and I can't eat grilled cheese and tomato soup or watch Gilmore Girls without thinking of that night during a snowstorm when I sat alone and miscarried our first pregnancy as my family celebrated Christmas without me. (Only because I didn't want anyone there with me, and made my husband go to the celebration so people wouldn't let our grief get them down, and they wouldn't feel the need to try to visit to deliver our presents.) I can't watch The Office or hear the Olympic theme music without immediately flashing back to that winter after our loss when I would stay in bed all day (I was between jobs at the time) and watch TV, just to numb the pain and try to escape. I can't help but feel guilty for what I have sometimes, because I don't deserve it any more (actually, probably less) than the countless others who are waiting for a baby.
All of that said, I have a battered, but mostly healed heart, and I am so thankful for our rainbow. I do not take him for granted. When people have a baby, they usually say "Oh, it was so worth it.", normally referring to the 9 months of pregnancy and the labor and birth. I, too, will say it was worth it. The losses were worth it, the tears were worth it, the 3.5 years of waiting was worth it, and yes, the 9 months of pregnancy and 30 hours of labor were worth it. God walked with me through my trials, and brought me through to the other side.
"Weeping may last through the night, but joy comes with the morning." Psalm 30:5
Our joy the past few months: